Au Revoir Wedge…plus Week 4 College Football Preview

The 2009 Cleveland Indians have all but sealed the fate of their skipper, Eric Wedge. Truthfully, things have never been the same for Wedge since the Tribe traded his Fantasy NASCAR buddy Casey Blake. They may be playing with AAA talent, but they have mailed it in. They don’t even look like they care. It’s so frustrating that I think Rick Manning is ready to murder Matt Underwood. They are in the midst of a 9 game losing streak..over the last 7 games they are scoring 2.7 runs per game and giving up 5.9. Their opponents batting average during this stretch is .323 while the Indians on base percentage is .322. They are 3-17 in September and it is pretty evident that Wedge has lost this team..and I am calling for his head…now on to football.

Dodgeball: A Microcosm of Life

As you may or may not know, there is a movement afoot to eliminate Dodgeball from school gymnasiums across America. As you may or may not also know, I have taught elementary physical education for the past 3-years. My friends, I must tell you the war is on.

The fun-haters at the forefront of this movement would like you to believe that Dodgeball puts too much pressure on the psyches of our youth, that it somehow damages a young student's self-esteem to engage in such a "violent" sport, that getting knocked out in a game is harmful to a child's well-being and, indeed, their fragile egos.

Quick Hits (or having a try with some Aussie Football)

Alright, I admit I don't have much of a social life. So I'm on the couch Friday night, flipping through the channels & spot the National Rugby League on SpikeTV. Now, I used to watch me some rugby back in college & toyed with the idea of playing some since our football games on the common green usually turned in to an unruly form of rugby. So I flip to the NRL, and lo & behold, as if sent down from the heavens the Parramatta Eels are playing. Not that it's just the Eels (no Shoe, Mark Everett is not the owner or coach) but it's this big-ass freight train they've got mowing people down like a steamroller. He wears #10. He's from the Isle of Tonga (cue Howard Finkel, the ring announcer from the WWE)...he's Fuifui Moimoi...!!! Yes Fuifui...pronounced FU-ey FU-ey. The man is an animal, my friends. He searches out people to run over while carrying the ball. He would just as soon run over you than around you. And...he doesn't wear a helmet or shoulder pads. But I'm thinking "yes he should - and they should have black & orange tiger stripes on them." How Pete Carroll missed this cat from The Polynesian Islands is unfathomable. Well, in all fairness to Mr. Carroll (which stops with the next paragraph) Fuifui is 30 years old. Which means time is running out, Mike Brown. I know you read this site...where else do you get scouting advice?

Villain of Week? Kanye or The Vest? Plus Week 3 College Football Preview

First, let me start by saying I agree with Kanye West…Taylor Swift is awful. I don’t like her voice or her songs. I can see why everybody is killing Kanye…that was pretty rude, but was he wrong? No. Whatever happened to it being cool to be the guy who speaks his mind and speaks the truth? Even if it is wrong place, wrong time. Either way, no way in hell I’m going to spend one second of my life feeling sorry for Taylor Swift. So what if Kanye ripped her big moment, she has won awards before and will win more, plus she is a MULTI millionaire. I have to buy generic cough syrup because I can’t drop 8 bucks on Robitussin.

Jim Tressel Just Wants To Make You And All Of Your Miserable Friends Happy.

Mercy. Boys, I could be overstepping my boundaries as the lone Texas fan on the Shake (it's Tech week, by the way, and I'd love for my friends to stop bringing up what happened last year in Lubbock.), but maybe everyone associated with OSU football should just stop having press conferences. First, the big homie T-Pain filled me in on the fact that I should probably kill someone, because, heck....everyone's doing it (Don't want to be left out.), and yesterday, Tress had a presser where he discussed some of the emails he's been getting from some of the fans after the USC loss:

"So, you know, honestly, the thing when I read some of them is I feel terrible for them because there's no way they're happy. They've got to be some of the most unhappy people in the world, and I feel bad because we just made them less happy, and I hate to be a part of making someone less happy. I mean, they're already miserable and to make them less happy, I'd feel bad."

Chalk Talk: Clean Sweepin'

Karma.

That is the only plausible explanation that could come out of last weekend's college football games.

It was a weekend that I had seen blow up in my face all too often the past couple years. Michigan is playing a big rival in Notre Dame, Ohio State has a huge game in the national spotlight, and Michigan State has an easy MAC opponent. Inevitably, Michigan would fall to Notre Dame in some pitiful fashion, Ohio State would squeak by its opponent by some miracle of Tressel Ball, and Michigan State would give it's fan base false hope once again.

So at roughly 11:30 p.m. when that last Terrelle Pryor pass fluttered to the turf, I had to take a moment and pinch myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming. The clean sweep had happened; Michigan wins, and its three big rivals (OSU, ND, MSU) all fall in epic fashion. The last time this happened you had to go all the way back to October 2nd, 2004; Braylon Edwards was still playing for Michigan. That same day, Mike Nugent proved he was human, missing a game winning FG as time expired. OSU would lose to Northwestern 33-27 in OT. Michigan State got throttled by Drew Tate and the Iowa Hawkeyes, 38-16. Notre Dame lost a squeeker to theWilford Brimley-led Purdue Boilermakers, 41-16. So what state of mind does this epic occurenceleave me in nearly four days later?

I am frightened like a Pizza Hut lunch buffet when Charlie Weis and Romeo Crennel walk in.

Somehow, the tempered expectations for Michigan just went from "7-5 is a good year" to "OMG National CHAMPS!!!" The baseline for our freshman quarterback duo went from "manage the game" to "be Tim Tebow." To say the national media has blown up Tate Forcier and Matt Barkley's performances on Saturday would be like saying Antonio Henton likes prostitutes,Charles Haley missed his calling as a porn star, or Marques Slocum has some weird pets. All of these factors have me terrified for the first time Forcier acts like a freshman. Terrified when someone finally takes advantage of an undersized Michigan defense for a full 60 minutes (Thank you, Charlie for out thinking yourself yet again). Terrified for when a hyped up Ohio State defense led by future NFL first rounder Brian Rolle rolls into the Big House to take on the Wolverines.

But I would not have it any other way. There is an excitement back in Michigan football for the first time since Appalachian State came in and exposed Lloyd Carr's team as a lazy, over-confident, and slow bunch of individuals. Now, fans of Michigan have a team that is united behind a previously-under-fire coach, a freshman quarterback that probably just learned how to unhook a bra, and a legion of fans that are thirsting for more. This is what we had in mind when we hired Rich Rodriguez; an exciting brand of football that will make us forget about the 20-17snoozefests of the Lloyd Carr/Mike DeBord era. Michigan may not be "all the way" back yet, but they took a big step forward last Saturday.

Your time is running out, Big Ten. You better get your shots in while this team is still young. There will be no more 42-7 beat downs at The 'Shoe on a Nick Sheridan led Michigan team. Optimism is again in the air at The Big House, and I can't help but still be......terrified.

As always, Never Run The Toss Sweep.

Coach Deuce

Quick Hits (or, I'll Make This Quick Before My PC Crashes)

Hey y'all, just got back from The Golden Coast. Holden Beach, N.C. to be exact, which would explain the "Hey y'all" in my introduction. Just a couple of quick hitters & observations from vacation...

- Coach Jim Tressel is an ego-maniac & needs to be called on it. You think Spurrier & that ilk are in love with themselves, well...hah...check this guy out. Tressel-Ball has indeed worn out its welcome. If you're up on the #3 team in the country, step on their throat for God's sake. It's like the man has a fetish with how close he can come to losing, only to grasp victory from the jaws of defeat like it's 2001 all over again. Screw that pal, I want me some 70-3 games like UC and Coach Brian Kelly. He would look darling in scarlet & gray now that I think of it. Coach Tressel, Rudy G just called...you're needed on his hyper-conservative motivational speaking tour...please go.

- OK, I said I'd make this quick. The Bengals have a big game next week. The players that played today did good. The ones that weren't allowed on the field (Chris Henry) could not help. Get it together Marvin, or your ass can ride shotgun with the Sweater Vest the hell on outta here...

- Watched OSU's next opponent, Toledo, absolutely destroy Colorado. Granted there is no Eric Bienemy or Darian Hagen @ Colorado anymore, but they allegedly are still a Big 12 team. Beware Buckeye fans, the Rockets score 'em quick & in bunches...I'm just sayin'. Next Saturday just think of how close the Bucks are from an 0-3 start.

- My vote for the most entertaining game this past week: Georgia Tech & Clemson. Could have fooled me the ACC is terrible...they just tear the hell outta one another. The ACC commish does need a head wound for scheduling key conference matchups so early though (my #2 game was Florida St. vs. Miami).

- Is Terrelle Pryor regretting coming to OSU? Wow...that kid looks lost sometimes. Just go out and be a legend, kid. Screw Tressel...

"Tressel-ball" Wearing Out Its Welcome

Sometimes you lose games. Sometimes you just get beaten by a better team. Sometimes no matter what a coach does, you are just not going to win.

None of this was true Saturday night in Ohio Stadium.

Ohio State was seven minutes from exorcising the “can’t win a big game” demons of the recent past and reclaiming its place as an elite team, temporarily silencing the critics in the process.

And then it happened. Ninety-five yards. Six minutes. Game winning touchdown with seconds remaining. Sound familiar, Cleveland?

As the Buckeye Nation sits here on a Sunday morning, still shell shocked from another defeat on the national stage, I’m not even sure where to start. But I’ll give it my best shot.

Stubborn Brides and Big Games, Plus Week 2 College Football Preview

Unreal. This Saturday September 12th..biggest game of the season in my eyes. The game everybody is talking about. USC @ Ohio State. People are planning parties around it..I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been asked,, “Ty- what you got going for the game?” I kick some dirt around..avoid eye contact..mumbled something. ?What was that?” they ask. I have to go to stupid ass wedding reception!! That’s what I said. And I’m pissed about it. And its not like the groom isn’t a sports guy, he is a huge Buckeye fan. His dog is named Brutus…original. Him and 20,000 other dogs in Ohio. But the bride isn’t so nice.

They made a mistake and planned it on this date. But she wouldn’t let him change it once it was set. “We get married that day..or we don’t get married at all.” Enjoy that till death do you part, bud. The kicker.?? Anyone caught bringing in a TV or anything of the sort..will be kindly be asked to leave. Good news for us..the hall is right next door to a bar. Where do you think we will be from 8 to 11:30??? The only time I’ll be back is when I need another cocktail. Either way..nothing is stopping me from watching this game.

Chalk Talk: A New Beginning

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Greetings readers, Coach Deuce here with some chalk talk for your football soul.

First off, let me introduce myself to you fine folks here at The Inside Handshake. I am the not-so-illustrious Coach Deuce, moving from the small time to the big time here at TIH. A bit of intro about myself; I am a poor college student currently attending the school where Urban Meyer got his start on dominating the college football world (Bowling Green State University). The username "Coach Deuce" comes from a couple different areas of my life.

First, I always had an interest in being a coach, so much so that my youth pastor saw me diagramming trick plays during Sunday School. It carried over to the early versions of NCAA Football for the Playstation, where my domination of friends led me to talk in the third person to give advice. Ex: Coach Deuce says never run the toss sweep. The name became a reality when at the age of 19 I became a high school football coach. For 4 years, I roamed the sidelines and tried to employ those plays that I diagrammed while studying Moses.

When school got in the way, I moved the Coach Deuce persona into the blogging world, opening up Never Run The Toss Sweep to make inside jokes to friends while writing about mostly Michigan athletics. Unfortunately for you readers, that path has led me directly to The Inside Handshake, where you will be forced to read opinions on things like why old women insist on going to The Big House to watch the marching band instead of the Michigan football game. Or you can just ignore me and I will fade into TIH obscurity as "that guy who liked Michigan."

With the introduction out of the way, let me get into the meat of what is bugging me today. For the past two weeks, Michigan fans have had to endure meaningless story after meaningless story about Rich Rodriguez turning the Michigan football program into his personal labor camp. As Allen Iverson famously said, were talkin' bout' practice here. Practice! Not the game we college football fans die for. Practice, man. Practice. Finally, a real game is played and Michigan plays surprisingly well, dominating Western Michigan 31-7. All of the bad press is forgotten, and suddenly the national media is praising Rich Rodriguez after dumping on him for two weeks. Many analysts come out and dismiss the allegations as trivial, and even Sweatervest himself came to Rich Rod's defense! So we Michigan fans can finally move on, right?

WRONG! News from inside Michigan sources came late last night that the Detroit Free Press (the paper responsible for this facade) is seeking cell phone records through the Freedom of Information Act dating back to 2006 for coaches, administrators, and compliance staff. Anyone remember Houston Nutt's cell phone scandal back at Arkansas? Same thing is going on here, except they probably won't find Athletic Director Bill Martin "sex"-ting with a local news reporter.

Seriously, Detroit Free Press, let it go. The entire college football world knows that these allegations are nothing more than a witch hunt to try and run Rich Rodriguez out of town. Everyone knows it takes more than 20 hours a week to be a successful college football program. All around the country you will find teams putting in voluntary *wink wink* work like extra film study, route running, and weight training. So while you are trying to wipe the egg off your face and regroup after the first wave of accusations has died down, you look to technology for the smoking gun on Rich Rod being a slave driver.

Not so bold prediction here: no punishment will come out of the cell phone records except text messages from Rich Rodriguez to offensive coordinator Calvin McGee talking about how bad both of their 2008 quarterbacks were. "My 8 yr old throws better than Nick Sheridan, LOL". The one thing that does worry me is that Rich Rod will grow tired of being the scapegoat for the old "Michigan Men" trying to get one of their own back in the coaching seat. Letting Rodriguez go would be the single biggest mistake that Michigan has made since it allowed Tommy Amaker to roam the basketball sidelines for 6 years.

That's all for today, hope you enjoyed the first edition of Chalk Talk and as always..

Never Run The Toss Sweep

Coach Deuce

Big Ten...Big Trouble

As an Ohio State alumni and lifelong Buckeye fan, I occasionally find myself in the position of defending the Big Ten (11) conference against those who would claim its inferiority to other conferences. I have to endure, just like all other Big Ten fans, the constant barrage of praise for the SEC and the Big 12 and the assertion that no other conferences compare. I have been dismissing these people over the past few years, chalking up the SEC and Big 12’s successes to coincidence and dumb luck. I have been holding out, waiting for the Big Ten to show me something, ANYTHING that could be used to refute the idea that the Big Ten is inferior to the other major conferences.

I can’t do it anymore. The Big 10 is a bad conference right now.

Minnesota needed an overtime field goal to beat a Syracuse team quarterbacked by a kid who played basketball for Duke for the past four years. Iowa needed not one, but TWO blocked field goals to escape with a win against FCS (Division I-AA) Northern Iowa. At home. Illinois got destroyed by a Missouri team that lost its all time leading passer and best receiver. Wisconsin held off a late rally by MAC stalwart Northern Illinois for a 28-20 win. In an outcome that might be considered an upset to some, Indiana was able to squeak by almighty Eastern Kentucky 19-13.

Even the conference standard bearer, my beloved Buckeyes, had to depend on a rare defensive two point play to assure victory against Navy. While Navy is no doubt a solid football team, and is consistently the best of the service academies in football, it was still NAVY.

In defense of the Big Ten, Northwestern beat Towson (who?), and Purdue beat Toledo, giving up 31 points in the process. The only three teams that took care of business without too much excitement were Penn State (31-7 over Akron), Michigan (31-7 over Western Michigan) and Michigan State (44-3 over Montana State).


In a conference trying to make a statement and regain some respect, big wins over Akron, Western Michigan, and Montana State don’t exactly capture the imagination. When you need overtime to beat one of the worst teams in all of Division I football, and another FCS team comes within a whisker of beating a team that’s ranked in the top 25 and expected to contend for the league title (sound familiar, Wolverine fans?), you have issues.

Couple with this the Big Ten’s abysmal bowl record over the past few seasons (1-6 last year, 24-38 since 2000) and propensity to be embarrassed on national TV in big games, the Big Ten is clearly reeling right now. Oh, did I mention that the Big Ten is 0-6 in it’s last 6 BCS bowls, has lost five straight bowl games against the Pac-10, and is 1-11 in bowls against the Big 12 and SEC?

The good news? The Buckeyes can take a big step toward re-establishing some conference pride by beating USC in this year’s “Game of the Century” this Saturday night in Columbus.

The bad news? If USC comes to Columbus and steamrolls the Buckeyes again on prime-time national television, it will be a long time before anyone takes the big Ten seriously again. And rightfully so.

After a while, the evidence becomes too overwhelming to refute, even for a Big Ten homer and die hard Buckeye like myself. A couple of losses in a row, maybe even a couple of seasons of losses in a row, can be written off as a “down period”, or even a statistical anomaly. This is turning into something much larger than that.

As a major player in college football, the Big Ten is on life support right now. With a big win this Saturday in Columbus, USC can effectively pull the plug.

I Swear I Probably Definitely Didn't Want Sam Bradford To Get Hurt. (Musings From Most Of The First Week.)

Let me say this, as I'm deciding between watching the SWAC/MEAC challenge on the Worldwide Leader, or My Big Fat Greek Wedding on ABC family:

No one loves Texas football more than I do. Probably. It's either me, or Matthew McConaughey, and since I don't take time out of my fandom to make terrible movies that pander to disillusioned romantics, I think I win. And I've said some horrible things about Oklahoma football. Horrible things that I can't take back. Possibly some things about Bob Stoops' wife, and children (No....not really....I think.) And I know what some of you are thinking. "Oh, didn't Hanif say that it would be better if Sam Bradford missed the Texas game??"

Well, OK. Did I say that, out loud, numerous times over the course of the summer?

Yes. Yes, I did. BUT. I was hoping for some kind of suspension, not so much injury. Like, maybe we find out that Slingin' Sammy has a taste for undercover cops posing as hookers (do we call that the "Antonio Henton addiction"?), and right before the UT game, he decides to pick one up. Or, maybe an academic scandal gets uncovered that makes Florida State look like Harvard. But, not an injury. Granted, is me wishing academic scandal, or an unsatisfying evening with a prostitute (including the lost money, and let's face it! Bradford's a college student!) almost equally as bad as wishing injury on someone? I guess that depends on how you look at it. I think I come out looking a little better.

But, I will say that to say this: remember Bradford's reasoning for coming back to Norman. He wanted to make sure he was strong enough? make sure that he could "take the hits"? I'm not saying dude didn't get clocked last night. What I AM saying is that for a QB that virtually didn't get touched last year, to get laid down on one of the first hits of the new season, doesn't look good. Ideally, Bradford will be back for the Red River shootout, and as far as Oklahoma QB's go, I like Bradford. At least considerably better than Jason White and Paul Thompson (and Rhett Bomar, who ironically, was waived by the Giants just yesterday). Still, Oklahoma losing didn't break my heart in the least. And their offensive line, for you announcers out there, isn't "young and eager"....it's a joke. Me and 2 of my dearest friends (probably female) could have broken through to get at least 1 sack last night. Anyway, high five the first Morman you see. Do it for me.

Moving on, I've decided on "Greek Wedding", because what can I say. I think Nia Vardalos is kind of cute. I do, and I know it's not popular. (It's at that scene where Andrea Martin is all like "HE DON'T EAT MEAT?!!?!?!? Oh, that's ok....I make lamb" shit, man. She's comic gold. What can we do to get Andrea Martin on ESPN gameday? She's got to be able to at least replace Fowler by this point.)


So, on to the first week of College Football, I won't even address Thursday. Except to say Byron Hout, get a stronger chin, daddy. I mean, I'm not saying he SHOULD have been sucker punched, but it happened. And he went down faster than a Rivals blogger on Tim Tebow. (Yes. I made fun of Rivals loving Tebow. Again. It's going to be a long season.), I'm all for a little trash talk. Just a little, you know. Enough to let your opponents get their juices flowing. But Legarrette Blount's cup runnethed over. Speaking of "over"....Blount, welcome to undrafted free agency.

In case I had forgotten that college football started yesterday, I was reminded at about 10 a.m., when I attempted to go to the Giant Eagle near my Victorian Village apartment, and I was overwhelmed by the full parking lot, cornhole sets, cheap beer, and Dave Matthews' first album. I can't lie, I have been waiting for this moment since last January. So, color me excited. Highlights from the marathon of College Football yesterday:

1.) My friend K.D., an avid Duke fan, began what he called "PAULUS WATCH", which pretty much only involved sending text messages updating every time anything happened in the Syracuse/Minnesota game (involving ex-Duke point guard/now Syracuse QB Greg "I should have taken Notre Dame up on that offer years ago" Paulus). Because, let's face it. I had no interest in that. I watched when on the first snap, the ball went over Greg's head, laughed hysterically as I was on the phone with my friend Maria, and turned to the OSU game. Later, at halftime, I checked in and heard him being referred to as Greg "The General" Paulus, despite the fact that the Orange were only up by 6, and The General had barely thrown for 100 yards. I checked in during the overtime, just in time to see The General throw a costly pick in the endzone, leading to a chip FG by Minny to take the win. K.D.'s final text: "Well, it's at least nice to see that the look of extreme failure that Paulus had after Duke lost in the tournament earlier than expected annually translates to football"

2.) Another friend, Jason touched down in Atlanta for the VaTech/Bama game, and I got a text from him right before kickoff saying, "Nif, I wasn't really into black women before. But, Jesus, man." Score one for racial harmony.

3.) JoePa's presser after Penn State looked impressive in the W over Akron's Zips. His banter with (Big Ten Network's) Dave Revsine, regarding his players putting in work in the offseason, in light of the Michigan allegations, ending with, "They BETTER have put some work in during the offseason. Oh, it's all voluntary though, Dave." (Revsine responded with, "Not everywhere, Joe"...which, while a tad bit unprofessional, was a gem nonetheless.) I think it just shows how sharp, witty, and enjoyable the old coach still is. He and Bobby Bowden are like your crazy old grandparents, you just want to wait for them to say something. They should have a joint interview together weekly.

4.) I got a call from my friend Robby, a large Oklahoma fan, (before the OU loss, and before he texted his anger with the loss, and then in case I didn't get it, wrote it on my facebook wall...) during the Oklahoma State game, and we agreed that the offense was a bit hyped up, but Dez Bryant is scary good. Dude is legit. 3 catches, and 2 of them went to the house. Texas' secondary....will have it's hands full. And Georgia won't be ranked by the end of the season, count on it.

5.) As far as Texas goes, they did what they should have, and Jordan Shipley looked good. That's pretty much all there is to it.

6.) The Big Ten. Sucks. I'm sorry, I know I'm in the grand midwest, but Michigan isn't "back". Tate Forcier is kind of cool though, in a discussion on the MSU Spartans message board that some of my friends up north showed me, a topic included the line: "Is Tate Forcier French??? did he bring some French girls with him to Ann Arbor ? Just askin' cuz I might try to get in on some action at one of those parties. I like French chicks." That's pure gold. Countdown until someone nicknames him "White Flag" Forcier. Michigan looked like a .500 team yesterday, and really, Minnesota shouldn't, with that veteran team, have needed OT to beat Syracuse. Yes, I know that B10 teams posted a 10-1 record over opening weekend. Doesn't change the fact that Iowa almost lost to the Northern version of themselves, Purdue plays no defense, the ONE team that lost was Illinois (OUCH.), and the less said about Indiana, the better.

All in all, I'm glad to be back in the thick of sports, aren't you all, Gents? Miami/Florida State tomorrow night. Seeing as 3/4 of Miami's team apparently runs a 4.3 or lower, I don't know how we'll even be able to see.

And now that I remember how "Greek Wedding" ends, I'm turning back to ESPN to watch Ole Miss/Memphis, and keep an eye on that one QB that transferred to Miss because he was scared to compete with Colt McCoy at Texas.

From the Pillsbury Cowboy to Mrs. Brett Favre: 5 NFL coaches and their odds of seeing Week 10.

                                                                                                                   

Hey, let's do a list. I know, I know, lists are a ESPN/Sports Blog staple and people are sick of them, but as always The Inside Handshake's will be better. Let's get to it.

The NFL. season kicks off this Thursday, and with the turnover rate among coaches being what it is a few may not see the season's mid-point. Along with the pressure to win right away, there are several ex-coaches lurking in the shadows. Mike Shanahan, Bill Cowher, Jon Gruden, Brian Billick, Mike Holmgren or Tony Dungy are all waiting to pounce at the first sight of blood. Sure, Gruden's in the Monday Night booth and Dungy is off spreading the gospel,  saving the careers of puppy killers and looking like Bat Boy, but we all know even God's children have a price. The point is it's tough enough to be an NFL coach without having those cats peering over your shoulder.

Before anybody gets all lathered up, Marvin Lewis is not on this list. Mikey Brown will simply not pay a guy to not coach. Ain't happenin', so Marvin's here for the duration of the campaign.

Let's go:

1. Wade Phillips - Dallas. The Pillsbury Cowboy is living on borrowed time. How he survived last season's mess is a mystery. Is it because he's a Jerry Jones lapdog? Wade is one of those "players coaches" and we all know how they usually end up - overrun and unemployed. He lived off what Bill Parcell's built in Dallas for awhile but in reality everything has been slowly crumbling around him from Day 1. He claimed at the end of last year he was going to tighten the ship but every elementary teacher will tell you that you have to start out tough and lighten up later, not the other way around. Odds he doesn't make Week 10: 2-1. 
2. Brad Childress - Minnesota. Childress has one big problem. He's married to Mr. Brett Favre. He's betting the proverbial farm on the performance of a spoiled, aging, interception prone attention whore with a God complex. Other than that he's good to go. Seriously, the Vikings may have the most talent in the NFC but if this doesn't work out he'll lose his team. The Vikes have an easy early schedule, so I'm predicting a strong start for both the diva QB and the team. After that it gets a little dicey. If Minnesota doesn't improve on last season's 10-wins and win a playoff game, Childress will have gambled and lost. Odds he doesn't make Week 10: Easy early schedule, so 8-1.
3. Dick Jauron - Buffalo. So what do you do after three straight 7-9 seasons, you haven't made the playoffs since 1999, and your fans are getting restless? Easy answer - bring in the biggest diva and team chemistry destroyer in the history of the league. Good Lord. Then again, the fans up north are so desperate for a winner they met TO at the airport like he was the second coming of, well, Jesus. My guess, though, is that when this team falls apart Jauron will be the one crucified. Odds he doesn't make Week 10: 5-1.
4. Tom Cable - Oakland. Oakland has been a hot mess for several years now, and although they have some talent this year things are unraveling already. When the highlight and most newsworthy moment in your preseason is when your head coach coldcocked an assistant, you know you're in trouble. Broken jaw aside, you know Al Davis truly lost his mind when he fired Layla Kiffin's husband and hired The Cable Guy. Hell, having Layla in the owners box would be worth keeping Lane around for another 2-3 years. And seriously, doesn't Cable look like a guy who would show up at your door offering to hook you up with some free Cinemax?  Odds he doesn't make Week 10: 4-1
5. Norv Turner - San Diego. Norv is another one one of those "player's coaches" that I'm so fond of. A late run at the end of last season saved his ass, but LT is a year older and Nice Guy Norv's laid-back style doesn't make for a tough, disciplined team. The Chargers are a direct reflection of their coach. They're soft. Here's guessing (and hoping) that if the Chargers start slowly again, Norv will be a goner. Odds he doesn't make Week 10: 6-1.

Just missing the cut was Josh McDaniels. In a few short months as a rookie head coach he's lost his quarterback (Jay Cutler, dick that he is) and can't control his moron wide receiver Brandon Marshall. I could put up with that, but when he started wearing the cut-off hoodie like his hero Bill Billichick he lost me. Be yourself, dude.

So, check back with me on November 15th and we'll see who's survived. In the meantime, what coaches are on your endangered list?

Winning 3rd Place: The Wussification of America Continues

Alright, I'm going to get right to the point. I've finally been pushed over the edge. For the third time in the past month I've heard the following words uttered in one context or another. Although different sports were involved, in each incident the conversation went something like this:

"Hey Mr. Shoe! Did you hear about our soccer tournament last weekend? We won third place."

Wait. What? You WON third place? What is this, some psychobabble bullshit somebody came up with in order to save our kids from damage to their self-esteem? Good Lord. You know, I think I first heard this senseless phrase last summer when some Euro Trash announcer proclaimed that some biker in the Tour De France had "won second place" in some stage of the race or something. At the time I attributed it to the fact that the announcer was French and the French are basically all gutless pussies who lose at everything. But, I guess I was wrong. It's a phenomenon that's caught on right here in my own neighborhood. May God (and Bobby Knight) help us all.

I really feel better now knowing that we won 2nd place in that '72 Olympic basketball game. And to think that for all these years I thought we lost. Whew. That's a relief.

Additional thought: Can you win 12th place? I'm just sayin'.

So here's where we stand, America. We have kids who are "winning" third place, Junior High games where we don't keep score, coaches who aren't allowed to cut players, teams in which every kid is guaranteed to get playing time, teachers who aren't allowed to give grades, parents who are suing little league coaches who don't play their kids, and soccer teams with 12 captains.

Sigh.

Doesn't anybody realize that by protecting our kids from any type of adversity they may face, we are preventing them from learning how to deal with that adversity? That only by letting our kids face and conquer their problems on their own will they learn to handle them in the future? Is it that hard to understand?

Apparently so.

Sorry to sound so bitter, but not really. Now excuse me while I go punch somebody in the neck.