New York Chosen As Site For 2014 Clusterfuck

From our friends at The Brushback.com:

NEW YORK--The NFL announced today that the New Meadowlands Stadium, located in East Rutherford, New Jersey, would be the official site for the clusterfuck known as the 2014 Super Bowl. The clusterfuck will feature historic traffic jams, stifling security measures, and possibly terrible weather, commissioner Roger Goodell indicated.

“This Super Bowl will be one of the biggest clusterfucks in this history of the world,” said Goodell. “And it’s going to happen right here in the New York/New Jersey metropolitan area. You won’t be able to get anywhere in the city that week. It’s going to be like the St Paddy’s Day parade combined with New Year’s Eve and extended for a whole week. And the security? Forget about it. You’ll be strip-searched on every corner, which will be especially uncomfortable in single-digit temperatures.”

Goodell predicted a New York Super Bowl could present “the perfect storm of clusterfuckery.”

“If everything goes wrong, this really could be the perfect storm of clusterfuckery,” said Goodell. “Just think about the crowds and security, then add a blizzard to the mix. Yikes! Thank God I’ll be escorted around in a limo all week. I wouldn’t want to be a regular fan. Those people are going to suffer terribly. Heh. I love it when that happens.”

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg beamed with pride when the league announced the results of its voting on Tuesday.

“Finally, we’re going to see the biggest game in the world played on the biggest stage in the world,” Bloomberg said. “No offense to Miami or New Orleans, but it doesn’t get any better than the Super Bowl in New York – unless you live here and, you know, want to have the slightest measure of peace and normalcy that week. Sorry, New Yorkers! You waived your right to peace and normalcy when you moved into this monstrous parody of capitalist excess.”

Residents of the New York area had mixed reactions to the announcement. While some were excited to have the big game in town, others were weary of the headaches and inconvenience of having the world’s biggest clusterfuck outside their doors.

“Oh great. That’s just what I need,” said Amanda Zweifel, 31, of Brooklyn. “Hundreds of thousands of tourists swarming the streets and airports, military police in the transit systems, and drunken media people getting oral sex from hookers in alleys. This is going to be...well...just like every other week, but slightly more crowded.”

Mayor Bloomberg assured residents that every precaution would be taken to ensure a safe and hassle-free Super Bowl week.

“We’ve already got plans in place for pretty much every situation,” said Bloomberg. “The weather, safety issues, traffic issues - you name it, we’ve got a plan for it. Of course, none of these plans are going to work, but we have to make them anyway in order to waste as much money as possible on this thing.”

LeBron's Next Team

From the always amusing Onion:

In scant weeks, LeBron James will be the most desirable free agent in recent memory. Where will basketball's biggest catch choose to go?

• Kings: Sacramento GM Geoff Petrie has been known to call James "the best player in the league," so perhaps this will flatter LeBron into making the wrong decision

• Knicks: LeBron has said he's always wanted to play in the most overrated franchise in sports history. Plus, you can order out at 4:00 AM! Woohoo!

• Nets: East Rutherford could be the destination, as James has hinted to the media how much he loves "marshy hellholes"

• Bulls: Have wooed James by offering him a chance to be the franchise's all-time second-best player

• Bucks: Not very likely, since LeBron has never even heard of this team

• Heat: Miami, having no income tax, or apparently any other laws of any kind, may prove intriguing to young James

• BK Ventspils: LeBron has always been enamored with Latvia's nightlife

• Cavaliers: Makes perfect sense for both sides, but God, would that be boring

Phil Jackson Burns Steve Nash’s House Down In Effort To Get Into His Head

From The Brushback.com. Printed without permission. Hey, they wouldn't return my emails.

PHOENIX--Lakers coach Phil Jackson is famous for trying to get into his opponents’ heads during postseason play, and the Zen Master was in rare form this weekend when he set fire to Suns point guard Steve Nash’s Phoenix-area mansion. The wily old coach insisted it was all an accident and said he was “terribly sorry” for all the destruction.

“I’m terribly sorry about burning down Steve Nash’s house,” Jackson quipped, a mischievous smirk on his face. “I just happened to be in the neighborhood and I wanted to wish him good luck and I accidentally doused the property with gasoline and set it ablaze. Oops! I’m such a stumblebum! I just hope this doesn’t affect Steve’s play. I imagine it's hard to concentrate on basketball when everything you own is in smoldering ruins.”

When asked if the arson was an attempt to “tweak” his opponent, Jackson, winking, insisted it was not.

“Tweak the opposition? No, not me!” Jackson said. “I would never do something like that. This was simply an unfortunate accident. I feel terribly sorry for him. I’m sure the referees do, too. They’ll be putting him on the free throw every time he touches the ball, I imagine. But hey, I’m not complaining. The guy has been through a lot, the poor baby.”

Nash’s sprawling mansion in the suburbs of Phoenix has sustained approximately $1 million in damage, police say. While it is clearly a case of arson, they are hesitant to charge Jackson as they know the Zen Master was simply trying to get in Nash's head.

“Under normal circumstances, this would be clear-cut case of arson,” said Sgt. Lance McCullough of the Arizona State Police. “But with Phil Jackson, it gets a little complicated. I mean, the guy has a reputation for playfully tweaking his opponents. As bad as the damage is – and it’s really bad – this is vintage Phil Jackson. And frankly, I think it’s good for basketball.”

Experts believe the arson attack will add an additional layer of intrigue to the Western Conference finals.

“Phil Jackson has just raised the stakes in this series,” said ESPN’s Mark Jackson. “Will Steve Nash succumb to his head games, or will he be able to brush it off and concentrate on winning? My bet is the latter. Steve Nash is too smart, and too much of a veteran, to let some childish antics like this distract him from his goal.”

When pressed for a comment, Nash admitted he found the incident “upsetting” but said it would not affect his performance on the court.

“With Phil it’s always something,” Nash said. “He’s either tweaking the refs or getting in a dig about your playing style or reducing your mansion to a pile of ashes. If I get pissed or take it personally I'll be playing right into his hand. The only way to get revenge for this incident is to win the series – or possibly bang his girlfriend.”

Kevin Garnett now screaming each time Rajon Rondo scores.

Gotta love The Onion . . .

BOSTON —Now that Celtics point guard Rajon Rondo has emerged as the team's leading postseason scorer, 33-year-old forward Kevin Garnett has taken to emitting his signature primal scream each time Rondo makes a basket. "I'm no longer able to contain myself when I pass it back out to him because I can't get through a double-team, or when he hits a three while I'm stumbling in the paint," Garnett told reporters after Rondo's 22-point performance Thursday, during which Garnett punctuated the point guard's behind-the-back fast-break assist by pounding Rondo's chest with his fist. "I think I feel it the most when I'm grinding under the basket and I flip up an off-balance shot that clangs off the front of the rim, and Rajon's there to rebound and lay it back all in one motion and I'm like, 'GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!'"

Garnett also announced plans to engage in histrionics whenever Glen Davis does something in the interior that Garnett is no longer capable of doing.

Sport's Most All-Time Intimidating Athletes. Who ya got?

With Lawrence Taylor being in the news the last few days, it got me to pondering (big ponderer, me) - who are the all-time baddest, most intimidating athletes in sports? With this in mind, I put together a quick list of guys off the top of my head to be included in a “Most Intimidating Athlete in Sports History” poll. And please, spare me the wrestlers. Andre the Giant and Hulk Hogan ain’t included, ya rednecks. And speaking of rednecks, I won’t consider Dale “The Intimidator” Earnhart either, because race car driving, like golf, is not a sport. We’re keeping this to the guys other athletes were or currently are physically afraid of, guys who make (or made) their opponents tremble if you will.

So, without further ado, here are the sixteen athletes I’ve chosen for the poll:

Bob Gibson, Baseball

"Hmmpphgrrr."

Hank Aaron had this to say about Bob Gibson, “Don't dig in against Bob Gibson. He'll knock you down. Don't stare at him. He doesn't like it. If you happen to hit a home run, don't run too slow, don't run too fast. If you happen to want to celebrate, get in the tunnel first. And if he hits you, don't charge the mound, because he's a Gold Glove boxer.” There’s really nothing else to say except this – As a kid I once asked Bob Gibson for his autograph before a game at Crosley Field in The Natti. He wasn’t pitching that day so Dad said it was cool. I leaned over the railing and said, in my nicest southern Ohio twang, “Mr. Gibson, Mr. Gibson, may I have your autograph?” He stopped, then turned and looked at me. I swear to God I actually staggered back a few steps. His glare was that scary. It actually almost knocked me off my feet. He then said, and I remember this clearly, “Hmmpphgrrrr.” Then he walked away. Thanks Dad.

Ray Lewis, NFL

Ray's Senior Picture. I kid.

How Ray Lewis has turned into the unofficial NFL mentor for troubled players is beyond me. Because, you know, he more than likely killed a guy or two a few years ago. Allegedly. Not only that, the dude turned on his friends on his way to a plea bargain that got him off. I mean seriously. Still, this murderin’ snitch is a beast on the football field. He’s quick, relentless, and has a motor that just keeps going and going. Sort of like a 6’-4” Energizer Bunny, except with homicidal tendencies. Hence the whole intimidation thing.

Robin Ventura getting a beatdown.

Nolan Ryan, Baseball

Ryan’s Express was the most feared pitcher of his generation, with 7 no-hitters on his resume. Sure, he could throw 100+ miles an hour. Problem was, once in a while a he let one get away from him. Whether this was done intentionally or unintentionally, no one was sure. His image was only enhanced when, in 1993, Robin Ventura charged the mound and was promptly grabbed by Ryan, who proceeded to get him in a headlock and pop him on the top of the skull seven straight times before they were broken up. No backin’ down from this Texan.

Brock Lesnar, Mixed Martial Arts

Pussy.

Lesnar is the only guy I’ve ever seen who has a neck bigger than his head. He’s a former NCAA Heavyweight Wrestling Champion who turned to MMA when he became bored. He immediately took the sport by storm, scaring normally tough men witless on his way. He’s widely thought of as the most feared man in MMA as well as th rest of the universe and beyond.

He got a real pretty mouth, ain't he?

Jack Lambert, NFL

Jack Lambert was, quite simply, one mean son-of-a-bitch. As leader of the Pittsburgh Steeler’s notorious Steel Curtain, the man with no teeth would jump, twitch, and chomp at the bit before the snap as opposing QB’s would look nervously in his direction. And oh yeah, his nickname? Jack the Ripper. Perfect.

George Foreman, Pro Boxing

Foreman, pre- 5 little Georges.

Forget the guy you know now, the happy-go-lucky minister who sells grills and does commercials. When Foreman first went pro after winning the ’68 Olympic Gold Medal he was a one man wrecking crew. I’ll never forget watching him lift undefeated heavyweight champion “Smokin’” Joe Frazier completely off the mat enroute to a 6-knockdown, 2-round beatdown for the ages. The man had a right like a jackhammer back then.

The original LT.

Lawrence Taylor, NFL

LT was an absolute menace on and off the football field. For over a decade opponents had to account for his presence at all times. He was fast, big, mean, and changed the way people looked at the linebacker position forever. None other than Joe Montana once said that LT was the only football player he ever feared. Lawrence Taylor was a badass.

Maurice Lucas, NBA

One bad mofo fo sho.

For you youngins out there, Maurice Lucas played for the Portland Trailblazers with Bill Walton when they won the NBA title in ’77. “Luke” as he was known, was the Blazers enforcer and was one bad mofo. In that ’77 NBA Finals series, Lucas asserted his "enforcer" role in Game 2. With the 76ers comfortably ahead late in the game, the Blazers streaked down the floor on a fast break. Lionel Hollins missed a shot, and both 6’-5” Bob Gross of the Blazers and 7’-0” 280 lb Darryl Dawkins went up for the rebound. They both came crashing to the floor, then jumped up and squared off. They appeared ready to come to punches when Lucas slapped Dawkins in the head from behind. You know, just to get the big fella’s attention. Dawkins then whirled around and saw what awaited him. Maurice Lucas, at 6’-8” and 220 lbs, had dropped into a boxers stance and was charging in. At that point Dawkins backpeddled away, thus saving his life if not his pride. Lucas, on the other hand, had cemented his legend.

Must be a league game.

Dick Butkus, NFL

No one in the history of professional football played with more maniacal intensity than Butkus. He didn’t just hit people, he meant to destroy them. Those who played against him learned to fear this monster, a bringer of pain, a harvester of ruin. Butkus admittedly played every game as if it were his last. He also once stated that his dream was to kill a guy on the field. He also once famously said, “When I played pro football, I never set out to hurt anyone deliberately - unless it was, you know, important, like a league game or something.” Yikes.

Circa '87. One bad man.

Mike Tyson, Boxing

Kids, forget the face tattoo and the biting off of people’s ears. Forget the prison stint for rape and the goofy quotes about eating your children. OK, maybe you should remember that last one. The point is that from 1984 to 1990 Mike Tyson truly was “The Baddest Man on the Planet.” He not only beat people, he destroyed, embarrassed and disgraced them. He wore no robe or socks, just black trunks and shoes. Most boxers were finished before the fight started. He was simply a devastating puncher and relentless boxer that rarely experienced a fight past 3-rounds in his prime.

"The Spin Cycle."

Tie Domi, NHL

Domi may have been the most feared enforcer in the history of the National Hockey League. This menacing cutthroat was famous taking on anyone, anytime. Once, he aquirted a fan with water and the fan foolishly jumped into the penalty box after him. By the time security arrived Domi had beaten the guy senseless. And get this, Domi’s fighting style even had a name – it was called “The Spin Cycle.” Classic.

Ronnie "9-Finger" Lott

Ronnie Lott, NFL

Here’s all you need to know about Ronnie Lott’s toughness – he once had a finger amputated rather than miss playing time. Vince Carter just read that sentence, pissed his pants, and passed out. I remember his hit in Super Bowl XXIII that nearly killed Ickey Woods. You could feel it through the TV set, and Woods was lucky his head stayed attached to his neck. Guys who played against Lott still consider him to be the most brutal hitter in NFL history.

"Hungo"

Al Hrabosky, Baseball

Al was known as “The Mad Hungarian” for good reason. This Fu Manchu wearin’ maniac would stomp around behind the mound, muttering to himself, shake his long unruly hair, go to the mound, stare the hitter down, then promptly deliver his 98 mph fastball. He threw the fastball 90% of the time, and even though hitters knew it was coming there wasn’t a whole hell of a lot they could do about it. The pitch was rendered even more effective because it would occasionally be aimed right at the batter’s ear.

Looking for a QB to destroy.

Deacon Jones, NFL

Deacon Jones was a member of the famed “Fearsome Foursome” who played for the Los Angeles Rams, and is credited with inventing the term “quarterback sack.” He hated quarterbacks and revolutionized the role of pass rusher in the league. Recently Jones was asked who is the toughest athlete in sports today. Here’s his answer: “I'd have to cast the vote for myself. Because No. 1, I'm probably the toughest motherfucker here. Ain't no question about that with me. I'm the toughest guy here. If you want to eliminate me from the pack, you can pick somebody normal. Of course, quarterbacks are eliminated. We definitely don't want none of them in that mix.” Kids, Deacon Jones is 72-years old.

"The Big Unit"

Randy Johnson, Baseball

At 6’10”, Randy Johnson is one of the tallest baseball players ever. With a fastball that’s routinely clocked at 100 mph, his mullet and goatee, and a downright vicious demeanor, Johnson cuts an imposing figure on the mound. Add to this a notorious early-career perception of a stunning lack of control, not many hitters have felt truly comfortable guarding the plate with “The Big Unit” throwing fastballs. Everyone remembers the All-Star Game when Johnson faced off against John Kruk. You may also remember the look of sheer terror in Kruk’s eyes as a pitch smoked wildly over his head. Randy Johnson, in his prime, terrified hitters.

Woody taught him well.

Jack Tatum, NFL

Jack Tatum’s autobiography is titled “They Call Me Assassin.” In his first pro game after graduating from Ohio State, he knocked the Baltimore Colt’s John Mackey and Tom Mitchell out cold. Jack Tatum was ruthless, and he and George Atkinson anchored one of the most vicious and feared defenses in football history for the Oakland Raiders. In a 1978 preseason game Tatum caught the Patriot’s Daryl Stingley with a brutal hit, paralyzing him for life. Sad story, but it defined Tatum’s career of bone-crushing hits.

So there you go. Who ya got?

PNC Park sold out for "Fan Euthanasia Night."

PITTSBURGH—PNC Park boasted a rare sellout crowd Tuesday when more than 38,000 eager Pirates fans showed up for "Fan Euthanasia Night," during which each attendee was guaranteed "the sweet release of a quick and painless death" courtesy of sponsor PepsiCo. "For a diehard Pirates fan who has been following this team for nearly 20 consecutive losing seasons, or really just anyone who watched them get beat 20-0 by the Brewers last week, this is certainly a well-deserved treat," said 46-year-old Jim Martin, walking through the turnstile to receive his souvenir program and his lethal dose of sodium thiopental. "I haven't seen so many people so relaxed and generally happy to be at a Pirates game in a long time." An estimated 200,000 Pirates fans who were unable to get tickets to the game reportedly listened to its radio broadcast while idling their cars inside closed garages.

This article originally appeared on The Onion, as if you hadn't figured that out.

When Losing Makes You a Winner

The following article was written by Shane Bacon for Yahoo! Sports.

There are times to be competitive. Moments when all you want to do is humiliate your opponent as you defeat him. It's the nature of sports, and what our internal competition meters usually read.

That, we all know, is how athletes feel most of the time. But, at times, and these are few and far between, we see acts that defy wins and losses. A moment when a girl is brought in on crutches to score a layup to break a record or someone being carried around the field after she twisted her ankle rounding the bases. Opponents coming together to transcend the game.

That is what happened between two collegiate golfers, vying for a spot in the NAIA National Championship.

Grant Whybark (left), a sophomore at the University of St. Francis, had locked up a spot in nationals with his team, which won the Chicagoland Collegiate Athletic Conference Championship, but was in a playoff against Olivet Nazarene's Seth Doran (right) for individual honors.

As championships go, both the winning team and winning individual are asked to move on to nationals, so if Whybark won the playoff against Doran, he'd be honoring both spots and Doran wouldn't be asked to move on.

What happened next is the type of stuff movies are made about. Whybark stood over his tee shot on the first playoff hole, looked down the fairway and back at his ball, and hit it 40 yards right of the fairway, out of bounds by a mile. He made double bogey, Doran made par, and Olivet Nazarene had a man in nationals.

What makes it so incredible? Whybark intentionally did it, because he felt Doran had earned a spot in the next round.

"We all know Seth very well," Whybark explains, "and he not only is a very good player, but a great person as well. He’s a senior and had never been to nationals. Somehow, it just wasn’t in my heart to try to knock him out.

"I think some people were surprised, but my team knew what I was doing and were supportive of me. I felt Seth deserved to go (to nationals) just as much as I did.

"It was one of those things where I couldn’t feel good taking something from him like this. My goal from the start was to get (to nationals) with my team. I had already done that."

Too many times we read about cheap shots or fights or cheaters, and it is stories like this that make it all seem petty. A golfer simply knew his place, was comfortable with where he was, and thought that a senior, playing in his final tournament as a collegiate golfer, had done enough to earn one more week with the game he loved.

I'm not a big believer in karma, and I'm sure the story won't end the way it should, but if Whybark somehow won nationals, it would make for a really nice screenplay.

Whybark did what most of us would never do, and although he is short a trophy in his case, he earned respect from anyone reading this story.

Nice shot, kiddo.

The Elbow Could be Signaling Doom

The following article originally appeared in The News-Herald, a northern Ohio newspaper.

If The Elbow is worse than we know, that changes everything.

Monday night in Game 2, there was evidence The Elbow is worse than we know.

Monday night, The Elbow looked bad, and the Cavs looked worse.

The Cavs looked worse because The Most Valuable Elbow got very little help from its teammates, and the result was a double dose of ugly.

Monday night, the Celtics simply ran over, around and through the strangely listless Cavaliers, who for most of the game — and all 12 minutes of the third quarter — seemed lost, disoriented and leaderless in their own building. And just like that, the home court the Cavs worked so hard for six months and won 61 games during the regular season to establish is gone. Gone with the din.

Boston's 104-86 pancaking of the flailing, flattened, frustrated Cavs at The Q (for "Quiet'') is undeniably a series turning point, even though it was only Game 2.

Prior to Game 2, the Cavs didn't need to win a game in Boston to win the series.

Now the Cavs do.

That's right, the Celtics now lead the series, 1-1. They lead the series, 1-1, because they have the homecourt advantage. The same homecourt advantage the Cavs coughed up to Orlando in the first game of last year's Eastern Conference finals.

And you know how that one turned out.

For the rest of the series, the Celtics need only to win their home games in order to bounce from the playoffs for the second year in a row the team that had clinched the homecourt advantage all the way through the playoffs.

The Cavs desperately need a bounceback game Friday in Boston, but that could be problematic if LeBron James is as wounded as he now apparently is.

Monday night, for maybe the first time in his career, James was pretty much a non-factor in a game of basketball.

Any idea why Jason Kidd gets a free pass?

With all this talk about LeBron "needing to win a title" to cement his legacy, it got me to thinking about all the great players who have never won one. Here's a short list of recent NBA greats off the top of my head:

Karl Malone - All you hear about is how The Mailman "couldn't deliver a title." In fact, Malone is largely forgotten by anybody under 30 today.

Charles Barkley - Sir Charles is constantly being badgered by the guys on-set at TNT for never winning a title.

Patrick Ewing - Again, his career is mostly defined by the fact that he couldn't bring a championship to New York.

Dominique Wilkens - We look back upon The "Human Highlight Film" and his career as mostly all glitz without substance. Why? No title.

John Stockton - See Karl Malone.

Tracy McGrady - Anytime you hear a talking head babbling about T-Mac, it's always the same thing - he can't get his team a title.

All of which leads me to this - why does Jason Kidd get a free pass? He's been in the NBA since 1994 and has been to the finals twice, where he was swept once and went out in 6 the other time. He's played for 4-teams during that span. He's a career 39% shooter in the playoffs. Sure, he's had success in the olympics, but so did Malone, Stockton, Barkley, and Ewing. In addition, it's not like he's been free of some of the things we crucify others for. In 2001 he was arrested and pled guilty to spousal abuse, something that McGrady has never been accused of. Still, when describing Kidd, all you hear are phrases like "unselfish player"and "team leader" ad nauseum. It's not like he has some great personality, which is one reason Barkley gets by with so much. I'm befuddled, flummoxed and confused. My head hurts.

And so I ask - why does Jason Kidd get a free pass?