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25-years ago, Len Bias did this.

Get me this out-of-bounds play!

Friday, February 19, 2010

The Shake's New Tournament - My Observations

The Inside Handshake began a new tournament yesterday, and I must say we may have hit rock bottom with this one. Or maybe not. Depends on your outlook I guess. Some may think it's tastless and without merit, others may think it's harmless fun. Anyway, I consulted my top lieutenants here at Handshake HQ (DJ and SuperVesey) and with them being tasteless and without merit themselves, they were all for it. So, I proceeded thusly.

(ED. note: I always wanted to write "I proceeded thusly." Another checkmark for my bucket list.)

OK, where was I? Oh yeah, the tournament. It got me to thinking. And so, without further ado, my random musings on our fictional and short-titled "What College Basketball Coach Would Win a No-Holds-Barred Alley Fight" Tournament for the ages.

First off, some questions. Who would advance and who would get coldcocked early? Would Rick Pitino fight like a girl? Would Bill Self's hairpiece get knocked off? Would Tubby Smith's eyes pop out of his head?  So many questions. Let's proceed with a look at some of the contestants.

Mick Cronin. Trust me when I say a lot of guys would be hoping for a shot at Micky C. I can picture Huggs holding his hand on top of Mick's head as he swung wildly like they do in the cartoons or Three Stooges movies. Classic. An added bonus would be if Mick pissed his pants.

Coach K. I can visualize Coach K trying to reason with Jim Calhoun, you know, trying to rise above the mindless violence, reminding him that they're not animals but human beings who can discuss things like gentlemen. All this right before Calhoun drops him like a bad habit with a vicious uppercut. Awesome.

Billy Donovan. I got a feeling Billy might be a bit of a badass. He certainly looks as if he's wound a little tight, ya know? I could see him and Tom Izzo going at it like a couple of Chihuahua's in Vick's family room. Trouble is I can also see the winner advancing to face Frank Martin and getting beaten like a crack baby in foster care.

Gary Williams. I know for a fact that Gary W is not a man to be messed with. There's a well-told story out of College Park involving Gary and former player Obinna Ekezie. Ekezie was a 20-year old, 6'-10", 275 pound center from Nigeria, and Gary was 56-years old, stood about 5'-9" and probably weighed 160 pounds. Anyway, as the story goes, at a practice Ekezie mouthed off to the coach, things escalated, and pretty soon they were nose-to-nose. Everyone in Cole Field House thought they were about to throw down. I asked a couple people that witnessed this how many of them thought Gary was going to get his ass kicked. The answer? "Nobody." Nobody there doubted who would win that fight. Dude's wrapped so tight you couldn't pull a needle out of his ass with a backhoe.

John Calipari. Seriously, does anybody think this cat can fight? He'd turn tail so fast he'd leave his hair gel in a puddle behind him.

Bruce Pearl. Again, trust me when I say a lot of coaches would like a shot at this guy (see Mick Cronin). He's a media darling but most coaches think he's a camera whore quote machine. I'd love to see Jamie Dixon get a shot at this wackbag in a street fight. Or better yet? Pat Summitt. Now we're talkin'.

Bo Ryan. Don't you think Bo Ryan would be a hard guy to put away? Seems like he'd just keep coming at ya, head down and charging like the Tazmanian Devil on a coke binge.

Thad Matta. I've no idea if this guy can fight or not, but I'm pretty sure he's taken some shots to the schnozzola already. If we ever have an "Ugliest Coach" tournament I know who my money's on.

And finally, Frank Martin. I've gotta say it. Frank Martin looks like an international incident waiting to happen, like a guy who'd kick a  baby if it looked at him the wrong way. Dude is flat crazy. Amirite or amirite? Visual evidence above.

Thought: Do you think coaches would fight like they coach? I mean, would Boeheim sit back in a zone, inviting guys to step in, only to pop them in the kisser? Would Huggs aggressively attack the perimeter? Would Gary Williams scream at you the whole time he was slapping you silly? Would John Beilein launch wild swings like 3's from everywhere? Would Coach K get all the calls and have an unfair advantage? Would Pitino screw your girlfriend after the fight? Sorry, I couldn't help myself on that last one.

Sidenote: I actually tried to upload three Frank Martin pictures to this blog before I found one that would work. That guy is tenacious.


  1. Somewhere in Columbus Thad Matta is asking his wife, "Am I really that ugly?"

    thanks for taking his mind off the game, Shoe.

  2. The "crack baby in foster care" quote is an instant classic.


Man, that chick beside me is smokin'.

Imagine waking up and seeing this on ESPN. I look like I'm having a stroke back there. Good Lord.

Imagine waking up and seeing this on ESPN. I look like I'm having a stroke back there. Good Lord.

3:30 AM, after the Louisville game.

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