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Friday, February 26, 2010

Finally, the All-Time Cartoon Football Team (Again)

Due to a special request from a Handshake Fan overseas (England as a matter of fact), we're re-running this blog. Seems it was a big hit with the Brits when originally posted awhile back. Anyway, here 'tis, just for the Limeys:

And isn’t it about time? I mean really? Admit it, as soon as you read that title you were intrigued. Seriously, once this idea popped into my melon I knew I had a winner. It’s a blog that’s sure to illicit opinion, debate, even outrage. I can hear it now:

“How DARE you leave out Daffy Duck! He would have made a great wide receiver! Plus, nobody could take a hit like that guy!”

I really only had one rule when putting this all-star squad together, and that rule was this - No Superheroes. It would have been way to easy to put Superman at quarterback, Flash at running back, then stick The Incredible Hulk at linebacker and call it a day. No, I leave easy posts like that to the likes of DJ.

And so, without further ado, I give you my All-Time Cartoon football team. Feel free to throw in your opinions in the comments section under the blog. As always, I’ll ignore them completely.


QB: Bugs Bunny

How can you argue with Bugs leading this team? He’s intelligent, crafty, sneaky, and always comes through in the clutch. Sure, he’s a bit on the thin side and doesn’t exactly have a bazooka for an arm, but neither did Joe Montana. The only question mark is that we’re not sure he can take a hit because he’s never really been touched. Note to trainers: Keep plenty of carrots on the sidelines. Bonus: Once played hoops with Jordan.

TB: Sonic the Hedgehog

Now we’re talkin’. This little hog can flat out fly. He’ll zig when expected to zag, turn on a dime, and has a mean streak to boot. I mean, look at his face. That’s a game face, my friends. Negatives: Well, he's a hedgehog.

FB: Tazmanian Devil

Are you kidding me? Is there anyone else to even consider? How in the world can anyone expect to bring this guy down? He’s a whirling dervish of unstoppable madness. Want a yard? Taz will get you 9. Downside: He scored a -7 on the Wonderlic.

WR: Speedy Gonzales

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. Too small. Well, forget it, because this mouse can flat out go. Yes, he has small hands, but he’s impossible to overthrow and has a can-do attitude. Reportedly has never been caught from behind. Downside: Insists on wearing a giant yellow sombrero, which tends to slow him down. And then there's the rabies thing.

WR: Inspector Gadget

Eight words my friends - telescopic arms that come out of his hat. Thank you and goodnight.

TE: Bullwinkle

Like Taz, not the brightest Moose on the block but he can catch a ball over the middle with the best of them. Who wants to tangle with those antlers? Negatives: He insists that his best friend and agent be with him at all times. I say no problem. We can always make room for Rocky the Flying Squirrel on our sidelines.

OT: Magilla Gorilla

Look out. LOOK OUT. Ya think this ape can clear a hole for Speedy or Taz? You know it dawg. Two negatives here though. He smells like rotten bananas, and his second cousin recently ripped a lady’s face off.

OT: Fat Albert

Simply put, the originator of the Pancake Block. While eating pancakes. On the downside, it’s been said he lacks stamina and sounds oddly like Dr. Huxtable.

C: Fred Flintstone

Fred may be the best all-around cartoon athlete ever. Seriously, have you ever seen him bowl? There have been seminars given on that tippy-toe style release. Classic. And those big hands, made strong from working in the Slate Rock & Gravel Company, can grip the ball like a vise. Weakness? He’s sort of whipped at home if you know what I’m sayin’. Get’s locked out of the house a lot.

G: Barney Rubble

The chemistry between he and Fred is a given, plus Barney has a low center of gravity that you can’t coach. Negative: He’s 3 feet tall.

G: Porky Pig

Alright, I admit he’s a little soft, and I’ve heard he may lack some sizzle. Still, I’m betting when the going gets hot he’ll bring home the bacon. Let’s just hope he doesn’t pull a hammy. God, I hate myself right now.

Kicker: Quick Draw McGraw

For you youngin’s who aren’t familiar, Quick Draw McGraw is a horse. A horse that stands upright. A horse with a very strong leg. Yes, his style could be described as unorthodox (OK, he kicks backwards) but if he’s lined up correctly he’s money. Rumored to be close friends with noted football mind Huckleberry Hound. Downside? Let’s just say the manager needs to keep a shovel handy.

Holder: Lucy Van Pelt.

Lucy, that jerking-the-ball-away-at-the-last-second trick may work on poor Charlie Brown, but it may be a mistake trying it with old Q-Draw. I know those Peanuts folk have big heads but Quick Draw can take down a barn door for God’s sake. Careful young lady. Careful.

Return Man: The Road Runner. ‘Nuff said.


LB: Popeye

Supply this sailor man with enough spinach and it’s over for anybody trying to cross over the middle. As Pop says, “I yam what I yam.” And what he is is one bad mofo. In addition, he can expect a big endorsement deal from the folks over at Bird’s Eye. Downside: His forearms are the size of pick-up sticks.

LB: Optimus Prime

Holy smokes. This half-man half-machine will be a whole-man wrecking machine for the D on this squad. He’s a little slow, but that’s overshadowed by his sheer size and strength. Negatives? When it rains he’s been known to short out.

LB: George of the Jungle

Sure, he’s a little out of control, and he’s not the sharpest stick in the rainforest. Still, his power and agility make him perfect for the 3-4 defense. The fact that he can’t count to 3, much less 4, is irrelevant.

LB: Hong Kong Phooey

The Phooey theme songs says it all my friends: “Hong Kong Phooey, he’s the #1 Super Guy, Hong Kong Phooey, quicker than the human eye.” And let’s just say that when Phooey brings out his patented “Phooey Chop” the fat lady starts singin’.

DT: Jolly Green Giant

Well, here’s a no-brainer if there ever was one. Talk about a fierce pass rusher. Think this guy could get a hand up in the passing lane? What is he, like 20-feet tall? Plus he’s, uh, green. That alone will throw a guy’s timing off. Negative: He reeks of peas.

DT: Foghorn Leghorn

Lemme tell ya, this rooster is one hard drivin’ cock. Big on the party circuit, this D-Lineman knows only one direction – straight ahead. Cock-a-doodle-indeed. I swear I don’t even know what that means.

DT: Skeletor

How would you like to line up across from this dude? He has kind of a bad attitude, but you might too if you were a 7-foot hooded bluish humanoid with a yellowish bare-bone skull, had no eyes and sported a head that floated magically over your shoulders with no visible connecting tissue. Downside: Difficult to coach, hard to find people to line up across from him in practice. Upside: Once made Anthony Munoz shit his pants.

DB: Woody Woodpecker

Are you serious? Talk about pesky. This woodpecker can make life absolutely miserable for any diva receiver he’s asked to cover. Plus, the ladies love him. Something about that name. Negative: Suffered severe head trauma when metal goalposts were invented. Nobody told him the wooden ones had been replaced.

DB: Atom Ant

What can I tell you? He can lift 250 times his own weight, has superspeed, and can fly. And oh, by the way, he hits like Lawrence Taylor on a coke binge. Downside: Is prone to leaving games abruptly to raid picnics.

DB: Mighty Mouse

Again, he’s undersized but packs a nasty wallop. His signature move is a vicious uppercut that brings an opponent to his knees. Negatives: He’s known to carry a variety of life-threatening diseases.

DB: Yosemite Sam

Man, I’d like to see Plaxico Burress pull his piece on this gun totin’ sumbitch. Sure, he’s a short-tempered outlaw, and Lord knows you can’t let him around Bugs Bunny, but this surly little DB will stick to an opposing wideout like stink on a train hoppin’ hobo.

Managers: Eric Cartman & Bart Simpson. You know, just to keep things interesting.

Head Coach: Wile E. Coyote

This guy has designed more schemes than Belichick and Wyche combined. Downside: None of them ever worked.

So there ya go. I've spent way too much time thinking this through. Discuss.

1 comment:

Man, that chick beside me is smokin'.

Imagine waking up and seeing this on ESPN. I look like I'm having a stroke back there. Good Lord.

Imagine waking up and seeing this on ESPN. I look like I'm having a stroke back there. Good Lord.

3:30 AM, after the Louisville game.

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