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Wednesday, May 26, 2010

New York Chosen As Site For 2014 Clusterfuck

From our friends at The

NEW YORK--The NFL announced today that the New Meadowlands Stadium, located in East Rutherford, New Jersey, would be the official site for the clusterfuck known as the 2014 Super Bowl. The clusterfuck will feature historic traffic jams, stifling security measures, and possibly terrible weather, commissioner Roger Goodell indicated.

“This Super Bowl will be one of the biggest clusterfucks in this history of the world,” said Goodell. “And it’s going to happen right here in the New York/New Jersey metropolitan area. You won’t be able to get anywhere in the city that week. It’s going to be like the St Paddy’s Day parade combined with New Year’s Eve and extended for a whole week. And the security? Forget about it. You’ll be strip-searched on every corner, which will be especially uncomfortable in single-digit temperatures.”

Goodell predicted a New York Super Bowl could present “the perfect storm of clusterfuckery.”

“If everything goes wrong, this really could be the perfect storm of clusterfuckery,” said Goodell. “Just think about the crowds and security, then add a blizzard to the mix. Yikes! Thank God I’ll be escorted around in a limo all week. I wouldn’t want to be a regular fan. Those people are going to suffer terribly. Heh. I love it when that happens.”

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg beamed with pride when the league announced the results of its voting on Tuesday.

“Finally, we’re going to see the biggest game in the world played on the biggest stage in the world,” Bloomberg said. “No offense to Miami or New Orleans, but it doesn’t get any better than the Super Bowl in New York – unless you live here and, you know, want to have the slightest measure of peace and normalcy that week. Sorry, New Yorkers! You waived your right to peace and normalcy when you moved into this monstrous parody of capitalist excess.”

Residents of the New York area had mixed reactions to the announcement. While some were excited to have the big game in town, others were weary of the headaches and inconvenience of having the world’s biggest clusterfuck outside their doors.

“Oh great. That’s just what I need,” said Amanda Zweifel, 31, of Brooklyn. “Hundreds of thousands of tourists swarming the streets and airports, military police in the transit systems, and drunken media people getting oral sex from hookers in alleys. This is going to be...well...just like every other week, but slightly more crowded.”

Mayor Bloomberg assured residents that every precaution would be taken to ensure a safe and hassle-free Super Bowl week.

“We’ve already got plans in place for pretty much every situation,” said Bloomberg. “The weather, safety issues, traffic issues - you name it, we’ve got a plan for it. Of course, none of these plans are going to work, but we have to make them anyway in order to waste as much money as possible on this thing.”

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Man, that chick beside me is smokin'.

Imagine waking up and seeing this on ESPN. I look like I'm having a stroke back there. Good Lord.

Imagine waking up and seeing this on ESPN. I look like I'm having a stroke back there. Good Lord.

3:30 AM, after the Louisville game.

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