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Monday, July 12, 2010

7 types of guys that ruin pick-up sports.

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A lot of men like to exercise and take care of themselves as they get older but we sometimes don’t have the time to join rec leagues and YMCA tournaments. So we usually just grab some buddies and head down to the local gym or field to get some much needed exercise. This can usually be a lot of fun depending on how serious the people you play with take their pick-up games. Usually everyone is there to have some fun and maybe burn a little testosterone, but there are always those folks that take these games far too seriously. These are a few of the guys that ruin pick-up games.

7 The guy that always calls a foul in basketball.

There is always one guy (usually the most unathletic) that will call fouls like Tim Donaghy during a play-off game he had money on. Every ticky-tack slap on the wrist and body foul get called as if his life depended on it. When he does actually get fouled he awkwardly falls to the ground and flails like Paul Pierce engulfed in flames. He ruins the flow of the game and usually ends up getting one really hard foul that is meant to remind him that he is ruining the fun for everyone else.

6 The guy that always talks shit.

Yeah, he has got something to say; so much so that the muscle he’s most likely to pull out on the field/court is in his jaw. He’s got game and he is going to tell you all about it. Gives the play-by-play like Marv Albert without (hopefully) all the biting. If he and Terrell Owens got into a shouting match, the only winners would be the deaf. He and Ron Artest would only be able to play “H.O.A.R.S.E.” together. He just never stops telling you everything that’s about to happen and it just gets annoying. Even if you’re winning, he’s usually complaining about something. If you win you can talk, but until then just shut your mouth and play ball.

5 The guy that brushes people back from the plate.

Really? I’d expect Roger Clemens to brush back his kid at a father/daughter game, but during a church picnic or pick-up game? Seriously? Sure, it’s funny if it’s one of your buddies and it’s meant jokingly, aside from that, it is simply uncalled for. This is supposed to be fun, people. Unless he hit a home run off of you last at-bat and stared majestically into the stands as it sailed over the fence, while pumping his fist and pointing. Because if that’s the case, then fire away Nolan. Otherwise, it’s best to keep the bean balls and ensuing fistfights for the parking lot after the game.

4 The sweaty guy.

That scene from Along Came Polly with Ben Stiller pretty much says it all.

3 The guy that wears his shorts too low.

I understand wanting to get your money’s worth when it comes to the elastic band on your Nike shorts, but when you have to play defense with one hand holding up your shorts, you are doing it wrong. Happens more than you think too. The worst is when a someone gets by the guy like this and his shorts fall down and he trips on them in the ensuing chase. Hey, maybe if you used that drawstring we’d be winning this game, droopy drawers. This is a man’s game, so save your peep show for the girlfriend later on and buy some longer shorts if this is going to continue to be a problem.

2 The guy that turns flag/touch football into tackle football.

I can’t really complain about this because touch football usually always ends up deteriorating into tackle football. Somebody gets a little too rough, emotions run hot and somebody ends going all Ray Lewis by taking another player down hard. It just sort of naturally happens when male testosterone and pride levels peak while playing football. It’s why we play in the first place. So just be cool and don’t let it escalate into some huge issue that ruins the game.

1 The guy that takes it all too seriously.

Who will protect this house? This dude will. He will lace up the sneakers that he claims takes half a second off his 40 time. Has the entire Nike breakaway suit that he‘ll dramatically tear-off dramatically before the first game. He has the arm band, headband, Horace Grant goggles–the whole nine yards. Hell, he may even wear one of those watches that doubles as a heart monitor (which he’ll check every 30 seconds). This guy will bark plays like he’s Mike Ditka and scold his teammates like Kobe during a TV timeout. This is life for this guy. He has all the issues stated above, except it’s magnified by his unrelenting douchiness. I think the great Jack Byrnes said it best in Meet the Parents when he said, “Jesus, Focker. It’s just a game!”

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Man, that chick beside me is smokin'.

Imagine waking up and seeing this on ESPN. I look like I'm having a stroke back there. Good Lord.

Imagine waking up and seeing this on ESPN. I look like I'm having a stroke back there. Good Lord.

3:30 AM, after the Louisville game.

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