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Tuesday, January 20, 2009

NBA Quotes: The Bottomless Pit 'o' Entertainment

That picture has nothing to do with this at all, but I think Jaokim Noah's a clown and wanted to prove it.

Anyway, since we're in a bit of a lull sports wise at the moment, let's pull out that old sure-fire source of amusement - dumb quotes by NBA players. Lest we forget that most of these gentlemen aren't Rocket Scientists, here ye be:

I’ve had to overcome a lot of diversity.” — Drew Gooden. Ah, good old Drew. He of the funky hairstyle. Man, it had to be tough overcoming all that diversity growing up Cali.

We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.” -- Jason Kidd, after being drafted by Dallas. Uh, Jason, that would bring the team all the way back to where it currently is, get it? Aw, never mind.

"It’s almost like we have ESPN.” — Magic Johnson, on his relationship with James Worthy. And speaking of his relationship with the ladies, he said it was like having Cinemax.

I can’t really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.” — Shaquille O’Neal, on whether he visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece. Guess he never got around to that history course at LSU.

I don’t see it happening unless every NBA player is given a stipend to buy clothes.” -Marcus Camby, on the NBA implementing a dress code. Hey, there's only so many suits a brother can buy on 7-million a year.

"Left hand, right hand, it doesn’t matter. I’m amphibious.” — Charles Shackleford. Wow, it must be cool to be able to swim with either hand.

I don’t have the first clue who he is talking about, because all I worry about is Jerome.” - Jerome James, on Coach Nate McMillan’s comments about players on Seattle's team being selfish. Irony, thy name is Jerome.

"This team is one execution away from being a very good basketball team.” –- Doc Rivers. I'm pretty sure he was talking about Danny Ainge.

Yeah, I’m a little surprised. But nowadays, with snipers and Bin Ladens running around, don’t nothing really surprise me anymore. Kind of messed up to say, but, somebody told me they seen a flying monkey. There is flying monkeys, too! Flying squirrels and all kinds of shit. Doesn’t nothing surprise me these days.” — Kevin Garnett, on whether he was surprised that the Timberwolves didn’t sell out against Micheal Jordan and the Wizards. Flyin' Monkeys? Cool. Where can I buy one?

"Sam is an idiot. I-D-O-U-T. Idiot.” — Shaquille O’Neal (again), responding to Chicago Tribune columnist Sam Smith’s suggestion that the Miami Heat should trade the big man. This is why he signs his autographs "S.O."

"Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points, they almost always win." -- Doug Collins. And that's guaranteed to be true every time, in 78% of the games.

"Tom."-- Tom Nissalke, former coach of the Houston Rockets, when asked how he pronounced his name. By the way, the "T" is soft.

"Why would I want to help them win a title? They're not doing anything for me. I've got a lot at risk here. I've got my family to feed." -- Latrell Sprewell, when negotiating with the Minnesota T-Wolves. He was making 14.6 million a year at the time. Not funny, just ignorant.

And finally, here's one of my favorite all-time quotes. Not dumb, just funny. It came from a high school coach years ago, in the preseason. When the newspaper asked him if he had any 3-point shooters, he replied, "Oh, we have plenty of 3-point shooters. Now we have to find somebody who can make 'em." Awesome.

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Man, that chick beside me is smokin'.

Imagine waking up and seeing this on ESPN. I look like I'm having a stroke back there. Good Lord.

Imagine waking up and seeing this on ESPN. I look like I'm having a stroke back there. Good Lord.

3:30 AM, after the Louisville game.

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