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Saturday, September 5, 2009

From the Pillsbury Cowboy to Mrs. Brett Favre: 5 NFL coaches and their odds of seeing Week 10.

Hey, let's do a list. I know, I know, lists are a ESPN/Sports Blog staple and people are sick of them, but as always The Inside Handshake's will be better. Let's get to it.

The NFL. season kicks off this Thursday, and with the turnover rate among coaches being what it is a few may not see the season's mid-point. Along with the pressure to win right away, there are several ex-coaches lurking in the shadows. Mike Shanahan, Bill Cowher, Jon Gruden, Brian Billick, Mike Holmgren or Tony Dungy are all waiting to pounce at the first sight of blood. Sure, Gruden's in the Monday Night booth and Dungy is off spreading the gospel,  saving the careers of puppy killers and looking like Bat Boy, but we all know even God's children have a price. The point is it's tough enough to be an NFL coach without having those cats peering over your shoulder.

Before anybody gets all lathered up, Marvin Lewis is not on this list. Mikey Brown will simply not pay a guy to not coach. Ain't happenin', so Marvin's here for the duration of the campaign.

Let's go:

  1. Wade Phillips - Dallas. The Pillsbury Cowboy is living on borrowed time. How he survived last season's mess is a mystery. Is it because he's a Jerry Jones lapdog? Wade is one of those "players coaches" and we all know how they usually end up - overrun and unemployed. He lived off what Bill Parcell's built in Dallas for awhile but in reality everything has been slowly crumbling around him from Day 1. He claimed at the end of last year he was going to tighten the ship but every elementary teacher will tell you that you have to start out tough and lighten up later, not the other way around. Odds he doesn't make Week 10: 2-1. 
  2. Brad Childress - Minnesota. Childress has one big problem. He's married to Mr. Brett Favre. He's betting the proverbial farm on the performance of a spoiled, aging, interception prone attention whore with a God complex. Other than that he's good to go. Seriously, the Vikings may have the most talent in the NFC but if this doesn't work out he'll lose his team. The Vikes have an easy early schedule, so I'm predicting a strong start for both the diva QB and the team. After that it gets a little dicey. If Minnesota doesn't improve on last season's 10-wins and win a playoff game, Childress will have gambled and lost. Odds he doesn't make Week 10: Easy early schedule, so 8-1.
  3. Dick Jauron - Buffalo. So what do you do after three straight 7-9 seasons, you haven't made the playoffs since 1999, and your fans are getting restless? Easy answer - bring in the biggest diva and team chemistry destroyer in the history of the league. Good Lord. Then again, the fans up north are so desperate for a winner they met TO at the airport like he was the second coming of, well, Jesus. My guess, though, is that when this team falls apart Jauron will be the one crucified. Odds he doesn't make Week 10: 5-1.
  4. Tom Cable - Oakland. Oakland has been a hot mess for several years now, and although they have some talent this year things are unraveling already. When the highlight and most newsworthy moment in your preseason is when your head coach coldcocked an assistant, you know you're in trouble. Broken jaw aside, you know Al Davis truly lost his mind when he fired Layla Kiffin's husband and hired The Cable Guy. Hell, having Layla in the owners box would be worth keeping Lane around for another 2-3 years. And seriously, doesn't Cable look like a guy who would show up at your door offering to hook you up with some free Cinemax?  Odds he doesn't make Week 10: 4-1
  5. Norv Turner - San Diego. Norv is another one one of those "player's coaches" that I'm so fond of. A late run at the end of last season saved his ass, but LT is a year older and Nice Guy Norv's laid-back style doesn't make for a tough, disciplined team. The Chargers are a direct reflection of their coach. They're soft. Here's guessing (and hoping) that if the Chargers start slowly again, Norv will be a goner. Odds he doesn't make Week 10: 6-1.
Just missing the cut was Josh McDaniels. In a few short months as a rookie head coach he's lost his quarterback (Jay Cutler, dick that he is) and can't control his moron wide receiver Brandon Marshall. I could put up with that, but when he started wearing the cut-off hoodie like his hero Bill Billichick he lost me. Be yourself, dude.

So, check back with me on November 15th and we'll see who's survived. In the meantime, what coaches are on your endangered list?

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Man, that chick beside me is smokin'.

Imagine waking up and seeing this on ESPN. I look like I'm having a stroke back there. Good Lord.

Imagine waking up and seeing this on ESPN. I look like I'm having a stroke back there. Good Lord.

3:30 AM, after the Louisville game.

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